Citation Creation Basics & Help:
#1: 1st Reference: Speaks to the notion that a writer should be as explicit as possible when making the initial reference to an important person, place or idea within the text. Full names, titles, etc. Then pronouns and secondary titles may be used.
Prime Minister of Awesometown Rick Rox spoke at the hand signaling convention yesterday. Rox outlined his plan to father several children before the end of the year.
#2: Sentence Structure is a real problem. It is distracting from the content of your writing and must be fixed. Please visit the Writing Center, refer to your Hacker book and otherwise edit your paper thoroughly before handing in.
#3: Introductions: Should be divisive, interesting and preview the focus of your argument (thesis). Yours does not do this. Try making a SPECIFIC reference in the first few sentences. Consider the difference:
Conventional wisdom (and high school English teachers) teaches us to start our writing out in the broadest terms to move toward our point:
Forthright Enterprises workers are hot and tired. Business could be better. Employees could work better if they were more comfortable. We need to install air conditioning.
But watch how much more impact your writing could have when you use a specific example to evince the same point:
Jim Jones has been working in our accounting office since 1991. He is a model employee, works hard and leads his division. Jim also has multiple sclerosis. Every day, the rising temperatures in his office cause a symptom flair-up. Jim's fatigue and physical weakness is doubled by a lack of air conditioning. Sure there are costs associated with installing air conditioning, but aren't employees like Jim worth it?
Forthright Enterprises needs to install air conditioning into our Jacksonville offices...
***Also, don't tell me what you are going to argue. Just argue it.
#4: Perspective Shifts: These were discussed in class...you use inappropriate and changing pronouns that can confuse the reader about who is speaking
#5: Argument is Redundant: You are making the same argument again here, just wording it differently.
#6: Argument is weak or illogical: The argument is either not strong enough to make a point (use evidence to strengthen it), or the argument is illogical based on your claim. For example, it is illogical to present evidence saying that workers have become lazier now than in past years...how does that indicate a necessity for air conditioning? That point could just as easily make against AGAINST air conditioning.
#7: Don't just cite, attribute: LECTURE
#8: Avoid abstraction. Be as specific as possible.
V = vaguezz
WW = wrong word...either wrong or just off tonallyz czd
//ism = faulty sentence construction
PV = passive voice...discussed in class
VT = verb tense error
***Formatting reminder: Please put your name, the date, your class time and the essay # in your header. Thank you.
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